Saturday, October 29, 2011

My Little Love...Our Little Family

I found out I was pregnant on May 15th. I went and got an ultrasound a week later and saw my baby for the first time, I was instantly in love. My baby was just a small spot on a screen with a flicker for a heartbeat and I was in love with it. My pregnancy was great no morning sickness, a little tiredness and acne but nothing I couldn't handle. I i loved the fact that I was getting a pregnant belly so quickly because I couldn't wait for my baby. At 18 weeks and 4 days I got a little bleeding, I called my doctor and they told me that if it continued to come into the office the next day, it did so i went. My boyfriend left work and met me there, they started the ultrasound, looking for any problems to why I was bleeding, after about 15 minutes she said she didn't see anything wrong and told us that we were having a little boy :). Everything was fine until Friday, August 19th. I was 21 weeks & 5 days and I started having some extreme cramping whenever i moved positions and sometimes just sitting. I went to the bathroom and I lost my mucus plug. I rushed to the ER, they told me I was 5 cm dilated and they were going to admit me and keep me on strict bed rest as long as they can to keep my little boy inside of me. My boyfriend and I were so scared. I laid in my hospital bed with my bed tilted downward to try to take pressure of my cervix and let it close. The doctors warned me that if i gave birth before 23 weeks they wouldn't do anything for my son because he was too underdeveloped. But after 48 hours my medicine would no longer work and I began active labor. I was in labor for almost 8 hours. After the first 4 hours the doctors wanted me to push but i couldn't do it. I knew that I was only 22 weeks pregnant and they would do nothing for him. I dealt with the contractions for 4 more hours than began to push. On August 22nd, at 8:35 a.m. I gave birth to my son Sean Anthony at 22 weeks and 1day.  My little man was delivered in his sac because my water never broke. He was 14.7 oz. and 10.5 inches long. My boyfriend was the first to hold him, he looked at him handed him to me and broke down in his mother's arms. After he was handed to me he was baptisted an our families prayed over him while I held him. He was so perfect and so beautiful. Before he was born the nurses tried to warn me that he might look weird but he didn't. He looked like a really small baby. I watched him move around and breathe and i hoped so badly that the nurses would help him. He even grasped my boyfriends finger. Our families past him around and held him then the nurse cleaned him off and dressed him. When she gave him back to me he was still moving around and breathing. Before he was born the doctors kept telling me that his lungs were to underdeveloped to recieve help so I kept thinking "how his he still breathing?" After 4 hours and 45 minutes of watching him fight for his life, he passed away peacefully and in the arms of his loved ones. 3 days later we had a memorial service at a cemetary called "Babyland" and buried him. I wouldnt talk to anyone but my boyfriend for awhile, i just didn't have any words for any one else. My doctors at the hospital told me that incompetent cervix was the cause of all of it, then 2 weeks later at my check up appointment, my doctor told me that my placenta had been infected so that could have caused me to go into labor. But they're still not actually sure which one was the cause. I have finally started to think of him and become happy about the fact that he was here and a little less sad that he his gone. My little man was and still is the most important person in my life. I still feel so empty now that he's gone. Sometimes I think of him and instantly cant breathe. I know that he's with me everyday because sometimes i can feel him. No matter how many kids I have after him he will always be my little baby and I will never forget him. My boyfriend and I are only 20 years old and we have suffered the loss of our first child already, moving on is hard but every time we sit and talk about him we feel his presence and we always think of our little family :)

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry! I wish I had all the right words that would make the pain go away, but sadly I don't. My heart is breaking for you....I pray that God will give you the strength and the peace you need to make it through this. (hugs)