Sunday, October 30, 2011

I think what I really need is someone to talk to

I always find it unfair that my first baby was taken from me. I cant find a reason or explanation to any of it. I loved him, I wanted him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. What makes me upset is when people tell me "everything happens for a reason", and "your never given more than you can handle." If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason my little man was taken away from me? & who thinks someone could every handle losing their first born son before he got to become a man? What good can come out of a little baby dying before he was even able to see life. My son never knew what I looked like and that makes me so sad but I do knot that he knows my voice and that makes me feel a little better. I had so many dreams for him. What hurts so bad is that almost every morning I wake up and feel my stomach and realize that he's gone, & every time its like its my first time ever knowing. I would have been 32 weeks exactly today, & what I wouldn't give to be just that. I spend the majority of my time thinking about him. Thinking about how I failed him, replaying my situation over and over. Thinking about how I should have stood up for him and not have been a push over at my doctor's office or at the hospital. I'll never really know if he would have survived if the doctors would have interfered when he was born, but I believe in my heart that he was a fighter & that there was a high possibility. I love you so much little man, I hope you know that. I love you more than anything in this world.

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