Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Life Seems So Unfair

I can't seem to stop always thinking about why my son was taken away from me. I find it so unfair that women the don't want children have them and mistreat them. I would have be a good mom, I loved my son so much from the very beginning. I get so upset when people say thing to me like "Everything happens for a reason" & "God already planned your life out". What good could possibly come from taking my baby away from me? I cant seem to find an answer to that. Everybody has tries to give me so many wise words about how my son was supposed to be taken from me, how this was the plan for my life. But nobody can tell me what good is supposed to come from my son being taken from me or why it had to happen to me. I feel like i'm a good person. I need something good to happen to me, I feel like I have no purpose to be here anymore because I want so much to be with my son. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I think what I really need is someone to talk to

I always find it unfair that my first baby was taken from me. I cant find a reason or explanation to any of it. I loved him, I wanted him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. What makes me upset is when people tell me "everything happens for a reason", and "your never given more than you can handle." If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason my little man was taken away from me? & who thinks someone could every handle losing their first born son before he got to become a man? What good can come out of a little baby dying before he was even able to see life. My son never knew what I looked like and that makes me so sad but I do knot that he knows my voice and that makes me feel a little better. I had so many dreams for him. What hurts so bad is that almost every morning I wake up and feel my stomach and realize that he's gone, & every time its like its my first time ever knowing. I would have been 32 weeks exactly today, & what I wouldn't give to be just that. I spend the majority of my time thinking about him. Thinking about how I failed him, replaying my situation over and over. Thinking about how I should have stood up for him and not have been a push over at my doctor's office or at the hospital. I'll never really know if he would have survived if the doctors would have interfered when he was born, but I believe in my heart that he was a fighter & that there was a high possibility. I love you so much little man, I hope you know that. I love you more than anything in this world.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

You Are My Strength

They tell me it's amazing how I've stayed so strong,
but they don't see how I cry when I hear your song, 
they see the smile on my face but miss the hurt in my eye,
I would rather seem rude than let them see me cry,
I put on this front as I don't want the world to see,
the pain and sorrow so deep inside me. 

I don't act this way cause I'm ashamed to feel the way I do, 
I act this way in honour of you, 
because although I hurt right now and my heart is broken,
I can't help but feel pride and love when your name is spoken,
my strength comes from the love you gave to me,
and it's that strength I want the world to see. 

I will always love and miss you Sean,
that I will never hide,
and when people ask me about my son Sean,
they will always see my pride,
you were so precious and your memory will always live on, 
I'll never be sad that I had you only that your gone.

My tears are not a sign of my weakness,
they are a sign of the love I have inside, 
they will always fall down my cheeks,
when I think of you with pride,
they say it takes a real woman to admit when she is sad,
but how can I be sad when I look at the son that I had,
I will always have the memories of my little man, 
everyday I go back to the day your life began, 
Sean always remember you gave me this strength,
and you will always be your mommies little man.

My Little Love...Our Little Family

I found out I was pregnant on May 15th. I went and got an ultrasound a week later and saw my baby for the first time, I was instantly in love. My baby was just a small spot on a screen with a flicker for a heartbeat and I was in love with it. My pregnancy was great no morning sickness, a little tiredness and acne but nothing I couldn't handle. I i loved the fact that I was getting a pregnant belly so quickly because I couldn't wait for my baby. At 18 weeks and 4 days I got a little bleeding, I called my doctor and they told me that if it continued to come into the office the next day, it did so i went. My boyfriend left work and met me there, they started the ultrasound, looking for any problems to why I was bleeding, after about 15 minutes she said she didn't see anything wrong and told us that we were having a little boy :). Everything was fine until Friday, August 19th. I was 21 weeks & 5 days and I started having some extreme cramping whenever i moved positions and sometimes just sitting. I went to the bathroom and I lost my mucus plug. I rushed to the ER, they told me I was 5 cm dilated and they were going to admit me and keep me on strict bed rest as long as they can to keep my little boy inside of me. My boyfriend and I were so scared. I laid in my hospital bed with my bed tilted downward to try to take pressure of my cervix and let it close. The doctors warned me that if i gave birth before 23 weeks they wouldn't do anything for my son because he was too underdeveloped. But after 48 hours my medicine would no longer work and I began active labor. I was in labor for almost 8 hours. After the first 4 hours the doctors wanted me to push but i couldn't do it. I knew that I was only 22 weeks pregnant and they would do nothing for him. I dealt with the contractions for 4 more hours than began to push. On August 22nd, at 8:35 a.m. I gave birth to my son Sean Anthony at 22 weeks and 1day.  My little man was delivered in his sac because my water never broke. He was 14.7 oz. and 10.5 inches long. My boyfriend was the first to hold him, he looked at him handed him to me and broke down in his mother's arms. After he was handed to me he was baptisted an our families prayed over him while I held him. He was so perfect and so beautiful. Before he was born the nurses tried to warn me that he might look weird but he didn't. He looked like a really small baby. I watched him move around and breathe and i hoped so badly that the nurses would help him. He even grasped my boyfriends finger. Our families past him around and held him then the nurse cleaned him off and dressed him. When she gave him back to me he was still moving around and breathing. Before he was born the doctors kept telling me that his lungs were to underdeveloped to recieve help so I kept thinking "how his he still breathing?" After 4 hours and 45 minutes of watching him fight for his life, he passed away peacefully and in the arms of his loved ones. 3 days later we had a memorial service at a cemetary called "Babyland" and buried him. I wouldnt talk to anyone but my boyfriend for awhile, i just didn't have any words for any one else. My doctors at the hospital told me that incompetent cervix was the cause of all of it, then 2 weeks later at my check up appointment, my doctor told me that my placenta had been infected so that could have caused me to go into labor. But they're still not actually sure which one was the cause. I have finally started to think of him and become happy about the fact that he was here and a little less sad that he his gone. My little man was and still is the most important person in my life. I still feel so empty now that he's gone. Sometimes I think of him and instantly cant breathe. I know that he's with me everyday because sometimes i can feel him. No matter how many kids I have after him he will always be my little baby and I will never forget him. My boyfriend and I are only 20 years old and we have suffered the loss of our first child already, moving on is hard but every time we sit and talk about him we feel his presence and we always think of our little family :)